Early Years
I was born
The first month of 1972. I was my mother & father's second child with a brother of 5. Together we made four.
I was Three
In the first month of 1975, my father met his new love out west.
This love had one son, who was 4.
Their family were two. Between the first month & third month of 1975,
My father, brother & I joined these two, to make five, in the city.
I lost my mother
My maternal mother, also in the city, took her own life. Death by suicide in 1975 on Good Friday.
Train & tracks. My thoughts for those there on that day.
The things I know at 50 -
She was an artist
She struggled with her health
She loved me.
I love her beyond her sadness
My family was in pain
The things I was told from three -
She was sick
I might 'catch' her illness if I wasn't 'happy'
She didn't exist except as a reason for my flaws
She was exciting
She was dangerous
She didn't want a second child
She was dead. By train.
For three years
We all lived together in the city.
I have memories -
A cat called Lilly
Brothers
Pumpkin soup & vomit
Darkness
Fights
Custody
Stress
Estranged and struggling family
A wedding of brown & orange corduroy
Not belonging
Wandering the streets with scissors (see bad haircut above)
A first school year
When I was 6
We moved to The River. We sunk into those damp green hills. The Never Never & Promised land.
I have memories -
Cows & citrus.
Red double-decker buses
Strangers
Raging rivers & crystal clear wonderlands.
Fire smoked eel & watercress.
Extended family.
Firecrackers & burns.
On pushbikes, wheels off & blood.
Cricket & smashed fingernails.
Horrific school accidents.
Horrified parents.
There were stolen cigarettes, barn dances & music for Xmas.
My sister was born to us.
I was gifted three Horses.
These Horses.
The First is a baby, who only learnt to be dangerous.
The Second is an old gent. He taught me, true love, kindly.
The Third. A wild one, untamed by her keeper. Mariah, 'like the wind'. Wild & unstoppable!
Mariah was abandoned to me, a wild one, a problem. She showed me feelings, the torrent inside. My trauma, fear & unforgiven self. My rage, pain & loneliness. The abandoned self & strength. I found my misaligned & unsightly derangement, the teenager. Together we explored these places. On the hills, in the lightning. We covered the spanning land, seeking belonging. Together.
Wild waters, indeed.
My sister joined me on these horses. She was three as she rode with us & learnt wonder, freedom.
I was 12
We moved to the High Country. A land of maggots & chlorine. I lost my horses, and my sister, her too.
This town looked so drab & brown. What allowance made for 'others', nil.
I have memories -
My brothers found education.
My parents found success.
I met an old man riding down the road. A 60-something-year-old. I was a horse girl without a horse. He said I could ride, but only if he took my kisses.
The trade.
I was a lonely child.
I said no!… after a while.
Better to die than let that happen. Whatever 'that' was?
I was pleased when he died.
At 13, I was trafficked.
By a girl not much older, she was tapping on my bedroom window. "Come out & let them," she said. I went out that window. It was BAD!
I have memories -
Ugly & confusing touch.
Scared & disembodied self.
I lost my autonomy.
I wrote a letter in confidence to a friend at The River.
Found, exposed & Shame.
My mother, no more use that name!
My brothers were embarrassed.
My home is no longer mine to call as such.
You are too much trouble, for us, it is true. My father delivered me away.
I was 14
I fled the High Country, catching the tail of the carnival. I joined the circus.
